Dear Sir, Madam or Beast -
You have been referred to this site by one of your less intellectually astute colleagues because one or more of them think that you are an asshole. In order to dispel such beliefs that they may have about you, you are requested to take the following test and present the results to your HR department. Upon completing the test, please review your score towards the end of this document and then promptly schedule a meeting with your HR representative.
Answer The Following Questions To The Best Of Your Abilities.
1) Bob from Accounting stops by to ask you why his financial calculations for the past 6 months have been off by several million dollars, after implementing an Excel Macro that you wrote. You respond:
a) Well, let me have a look at that code and I'll get right back to you soon.
b) That is odd. I could have sworn that script I downloaded from that one site would do the job.
c) It was Ken who did it.
d) Fuck off!
2) The CEO of the company would like you to put together a new version of Google. Never mind that you do not have 6 billion dollars and a staff of 250,000 programmers. You are asked if you can complete this project by the end of the week. During the meeting with all of the stakeholders, you say:
a) Sure, I will have a working draft for you by the end of the day.
b) Okay, but I am going to need a new workstation, office and car.
c) Ask Ken.
d) No, fuck off!
3) Mary from Finance is asking why the program that you wrote for the finance department keeps crashing. She would like you to rewrite the program from scratch so that it no longer crashes for her, even though it seems to only be crashing for her and no one else. You respond:
a) Sure. I will rewrite it by the end of the day.
b) No problem; I will look into why Ken broke your program.
c) Do you have the box your computer came with? Good. Please pack your computer into the box and return it to IT; You're too stupid to own one.
d) Fuck off!
4) Bill, Joe and William are inviting you to brainstorm on the next big project for the company. You are asked to attend this 2 hour meeting to get to know them and get their insights as to what will guide the company towards a productive new quarter. Never mind that none of them know what they are talking about. You respond:
a) Sure. I'd be glad to go!
b) Okay. I'd be happy to attend. What kind of food are you ordering?
c) Can Ken go?
d) No, fuck off!
5) Art is a newly hired programmer. Sally from HR would like to pair him with you so that he may learn all that you know in the shortest amount of time possible. That way, they may lay you off and keep Art, since they are paying him 1/3 of your salary. You respond:
a) Hello Art! Welcome aboard. Can you go get me a Starbucks Latte and In and Out Burger. Then we can begin. Also, I'd like extra tomatoes on the burger.
b) Here you go, Art. Here's a PowerShell script I wrote that will format all 500 production systems. Shh. Don't tell anyone I gave it to you.
c) Art, go sit in Ken's cubicle and ask him any questions you may have.
d) Art, fuck off!
For each question that you selected "d", add one point.
Please review the following breakdown to determine your score.
1 or less: You are generally an okay developer. Most people like you. Take a day off.
2 or less: You are annoyed easily and should consider a vacation.
3 or less: You really could use a vacation.
4 or less: You have been programming in PHP for too long.
5 or less: You are a dick.